New Criteria... part 1.

I have decided I have new criteria for future romantic interests... since I don't attract awesome dudes even though I'm easy and my nips tell jokes... grr. lol.

1. Must have a legitimate job. I have a habit of dating men who don't have a legitimate job. See: Daniel, who "worked" at his parents car dealership. Jesse, who is 31 and a bouncer. Otto, who... well, he just didn't have a job. I don't have time for this BS anymore. And I don't have the money to be paying for shit you should be paying for... like your own fucking gas. Or taking you on dates (I'm totally down for taking my guy on dates. Just not every single date). Or paying for drinks every time YOU ask ME out.

2. Must not ignore me for work. Seriously. That just doesn't fly. If you want to be with me, you'll make time. Don't be a douchebag. You get a day off every once in awhile. Use that day to come and snuggle or something else lame. I'm easily amused.

3. Do not be abusive. Verbal abuse. Lies. Controlling behavior. Physical violence. Just don't do it. I'll kick your ass, or find someone to kick your ass.

4. Jealousy is unacceptable. I have a lot of guy friends. I'm semi-flirtatious, though it's generally sarcastic and always harmless. I have never, nor will I ever, cheat on any of my significant others. I have a joke with my best friend Adam that we're getting married when we're 30, and we have a fake engagement photo. Do not act psycho because of that. Don't act psycho because of things from my past - they're my past for a reason. Do not accuse me of cheating because I need the occasional girls night. Do not accuse me of cheating because I failed to answer the phone while showering, or while sleeping, or while working. Just don't accuse me of cheating at all and we'll be good. I am not a jealous person. If you give me a reason to be suspicious or pissed, then I'll tell you to shove it up your ass and walk away. And never look back.

5. Don't expect me to be overly affectionate. I'm not all that affectionate. Yes, I love holding hands in public, pecks on the cheek/lips/forehead in public, hugs... but I will NOT make out, and do NOT grope me. And I don't want to snuggle all the time, and I don't want to make out like a 14 year old... and I'm not all that into having sex all the time. Moral of the story: I'm not touchy-feely. I have my reasoning. Don't pressure me. I'll kick you in the nuts.